13 Funky Images & Kitschy Phrases From A Vintage Dry Cleaning Booklet

13 Funky Images & Kitschy Phrases From A Vintage Dry Cleaning Booklet
(And It's Cooler Than You Think!)

All images & quotes are from the November 1953 issue of Silhouette, a promotional paper pushing (surprise!) dry cleaning.

1)

2) Two For Dreaming was a feature on holiday gowns.



3) It features a poetry-jam which romanticizes fashion as it eroticizes & enslaves women:

It starts with Thanksgiving... the party nights that are strung like glittering jewels on a chain... ending only when the echoes of the New Year have faded to silvery whispers. You will spin across polished floors--the answer to someone's most intimate dreams--in the timeless femininity of a beautiful ball dress. You will choose white for its kinship to new-fallen snow... or pale blue for tis affinity to a wintry scene. And you will see that your lovely gown does things for you... like moulding your bodice with a tempter's touch... whirling your skirt for the grace of the dance... making you the most distinguished memory a man can know.

Damn, that's hot. So hot that I don't really register all the "you will" commands as I am brainwashed into wanting a beautiful ball gown... and to polish those floors. Just to be the answer to someone's most intimate dreams!

I will choose white.

Or pale blue. I haven't quite decided yet.

But then there are other choices.

4) Like what to do about fur... It's a VIP (very important pelt), and even if I go faux, there are many things to consider. Like which ones are kindest to my dry cleaner. Thank goodness I can read Fashion Moves Furward for some help. (And more puns!)

5)



6) In Hair Today... Glamour Tomorrow, by Eleanor Page Hamilton, I get more than the usual tips for setting curls and figuring out how to part my hair for my face shape -- I get this gem:

Arthur "Bugs" Baer -- and I quote -- says, "Nothing drabbles a doll more than soggy bangs." He claims he knows a gal who has such a neurosis about this that she wears a rubber bathing cap whenever she makes cocktails. Okay, so maybe she is a character!

I can't possibly add anything to that. Really. Just feel free to work all of that into conversation at your Fourth of July celebrations.

7)


8) From The Top Drawer includes this bit of knowledge:

Department Of Nothing New: Feminine witchery in the form of knee-hugging breeches is just another steal from the masculine world. In case you care, men of distinction wore tight-laced knee pants, call culottes, in 1735.

Son of a breech! Did this publication aimed at women just accuse the very same of witchery & pantsing men?

Please return to the tempter's touch...

9)


10) On Your Feet continues the puns and enlightens us regarding shoes. The top shoe there, the 'golden sandals' (as if we can see that in black & white), were designed for "the glamorous Queen Elizabeth". You don't hear that phrase much anymore.

11) In Permanent Reminders we learn to employ pipe cleaners to catch the "short wisps at the nape of your neck" when giving yourself a home permanent.

Huh. Dames and dolls were to use the professional services of a dry cleaner, but eschew those of the professional salon.

12)



13) King Cord. It's no joke.

No wonder the touch of corduroy is like a gentle kiss on the fingertips -- it once was the rainment of royalty. It originated in the court of France and became known as cord du roi -- cord of kings.

The idea of an entire royal court swoosh-swoosh-swooshing from corduroy is hysterical. Especially the French.

Did they also invent the pearlized snap for shirts? That goes great with cords.



The End.


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Retro Manners Refresher

(The First) Thirteen Comments On Social Awareness Tips

"From Refresh Your Table Manners", by Luella Cuming, 1964 Family Circle.

1-5 Rules for informal meals:

At an informal seated meal the hostess may pass dishes from a serving cart at her immediate left; she then serves herself last.

Jeeze, I'd hate to see the formal rules. What direction does the hostess pass? Does it suck to be left-handed then, and if so, does it suck more than serving yourself last when you know there's not going to be enough because the husband brought home 3 extra buddies?

The cart holds a water pitcher, extra silver, glasses, napkins, and any other items that may be needed during the meal. If an item is dropped by a guest, the hostess replaces it from the cart without comment.

Without comment you say... That would kill quite a bit of dinner conversation, wouldn't it? And in my family, we'd drop 'em on purpose, just to force a comment.

If you drop your fork and the hostess doesn't notice, you may use any other fork that is there -- or, without explanation, say to your hostess, "May I please have a fork?"

I agree; if the hostess doesn't notice you (how rude!), by all means, grab the meat serving fork and start shoveling.

Ever notice how the lowly spoon and knife are left out of the discussion? I'd say 67% of all utensils dropped at the table are knives.

Or maybe it's some sort of passive-aggressive thing in my family and the knives aren't really 'dropped' at all...

Movin' on...


6 Passing Food

When you help yourself to food or pass it, hold the dish from underneath so that you do not leave fingerprints on the rim.

(Will keep this PG-13. Will keep this PG-13...)

7 Hey, look, the etiquette lady apparently doesn't believe in grammar; there is no period or other punctuation at the end of most of these tips.

8-10 Yeah, Luella is only on tip number 3, but then I told you that this was 13 comments on the tips; so I'm way ahead of her.

In buffet dining, the hostess stands beside the table and encourages shy guests or offers to serve them.

You have guests too shy to eat? Isn't this one of those survival of the fittest things where we should just let nature take its course?

And what side does the hostess stand on?

Do not overload your plate; it looks unattractive and is hard to manage.

Was this 1964 B.C. -- Before Chinet?

This, though, would explain the shy people who wonder how much food on a plate is unattractive.

11-13 And now for your holy crap moment...

In table manners there are many accepted forms, all equally correct. For example, the continental fashion of eating

The continental fashion of eating? That's how people eat breakfast at hotels, right?

and the zigzag style are equally proper.

Um... Time for a little help here.

OK, I do not zigzag; I am officially a continental styled gal.

If you have your own tradition, try to develop its fine points. The suggestions here are in a widely accepted American tradition

What? No mention of how piggy eats?! Well, I guess that American tradition -- or at least its finer points -- really didn't come into full acceptance until Ralphie's brother Randy showed us in a Christmas Story in 1983.



To be continued...

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Thursday Thirteen: Hello, 1964!

13 More Magazine Scans To Mock, From The Year I Was Born
(I skipped TT last week here, so you can't be sick of me.)

#1 Musical Jump Rope with clown head handles?! No matter how fast you skip and run, those clowns follow you!



#2 Amazing any of the Breck's solitaire game boards, made of "feather-light Dylite" (aka Styrofoam) survived. (I know they have, every once and awhile I spot them at thrift stores -- even without being in a box. Which means someone had to carry it in gingerly, separately, from the other donated goods. Amazing.)



#4 Vicks: Where huffing begins.




#5 & 6 For those that believe in the separation of Church & State, 15 Religious Figures and 35 Presidential Statues -- each with their own display.




#7 Arthur Godfrey says Tintex takes the guesswork out of fabric dying.



Now that you've seen the ad, let's talk. What's the deal with this celeb endorsement? Was Godfrey a big ol' butch male crafter -- the Rosey Grier of his time?

(Well, it does look like Godfrey's has his experiences with dying... Look at those splotches on his face.)

#8 Black Eyed Suzie Flowerkins. I saw her live on stage at CBGB's.



#9 & 10 In an issue of Workbasket we find Women Who Make Cents. Some ingenious gal gives away her secrets for making money by using her left over netting to make hair nets. I'd say selling her business idea to the magazine for $2 is more money than she ever made or would have made from the sale of hair nets, no matter what decade.


Also in this column on ways for women to "add to the family income" are directions for bronzing baby shoes at home:

Fill a pair of baby shoes completely with plaster of Paris. Allow to dry or set. Then spray with gold or bronze paint, giving them 2 or 3 coats. Then sell for $2.50 to $3.50 per pair.

OK, I won't argue the cost v. profit ratio (I'm too lazy to research the cost of baby shoes, plaster of Paris and paint in 1964), but isn't the point of bronzing baby booties to both preserve your own child's booties (memories) and to actually bronze them?

#11 If you can't see the bleach container for the pig and actually need instructions and a pattern to make Pretty Priscilla, perhaps you've moved from huffing Vicks to snorting Clorox.



#12 Royal made a "nutty new flavor" in 1964 -- "a proud new pudding that combines the creaminess of caramel with the crunch of toasted bits of cashews!"



I can't won't am not allowed to speak for pudding pride, but the reasons why I've never hear of caramel-cashew pudding was either:

A) cashew quickly pudding became as pricey as cashmere pudding & out-priced anything in the boxed dessert (including the other Royal flavors, by the case)

or

B) like me, few desired crunchy pudding.

#13 Just when you thought pudding couldn't get any nuttier...

My-T-Fine pudding pushed a pudding and pantyhose promo.



I'm at a bit of a loss here because hubby keeps me to the PG-13 rule, but naturally, when I hear of pudding and pantyhose I think of a control-top -- and a breathable cotton crotch. The ad mentions neither.

Nor does it actually state pantyhose, but rather reads "nylon fashion hosiery." Not that pudding in my stockings sounds much better.

...But now I'm treading on the too-thin PG-13 ice. I don't want to skate the issue; he makes me. You, however, may play with "pudding" and "ladies' hosiery" and "My-T-Fine" and see what you come up with.

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Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Having Fun With 13 Images From a Dutch Household Encyclopedia

Found at Flickr, without any text or descriptive info, we might as well enjoy them by adding our own meanings...

1) Hey, look at you! You're really growing-up and the talk of the town. It's time to start looking for a mate or before you know it you'll be one of those old maids!



2) Beauty begins now. Best start preparing your own rituals of lotions & potions to preserve in wax what you can of your youth.



3) You might need some guidance and help with determining your own beauty needs. Then, as now, the rule remains: All the best hairdressers are gay.



4) How does she stay so fair?


Hats with brims rounder & wider than her derriere.

5) Remember, hats must match the purse.



6) Maintaining your figure is important. "Wide" is not lovely, but protrusion is.


An improbably large and pointy bosom a-top a whisper of waist is as important as a bodonkadonk bottom.

7) Remember, men appreciate require a woman who is obedient. Think back to your poodle and practice prancing to please your own master!


Remember, you'll need to learn his personal preferences so that when he says, "Jump!" you'll know just how high.

8) Advice on selecting a mate continues.


Should you suffer from large, wide, puffy hips, try to find a mate with an enormous head. While walking side-by-side, your hips will seem more naturally sized in the shadow of his out of proportion head.


9) We've all heard the sordid tales of babies who do not look like their daddies... But sometimes babies will not look like their mommies. Don't ask; just let it pass.



10) Any frustration you have can be released by shopping. Let the distraction of matching accessories -- and his department store bill -- be your consolation.



11) A word on dads and childrearing... Dads do not rear their children.


It is so unlikely that even the artist drew a question mark by the little girl's potty.

12) Should you ever see such things, rest assured they are hallucinations -- and seek medical attention. Your doctor will know what to do and prescribe just the right pills for your ills.



13) Should it all ever become too much for you, slip your pills into his dinner -- just be sure not to give little Johnny the same Special Daddy Dish!




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The Date Line, 1957

Thirteen Points Along "The Date Line"

The Date Line: Facts & Fancies for the Girl in School, by Jan Landon, as it appeared in the November 1957 issue of Good Housekeeping.



#1 Boys in bottles.

Boys in bottles are a flash fad in Kansas... to get a pickled effect like this, girls back the picture with cardboard, brace them with clothes-hanger wire, and float them in colored water... others just paste glossy prints inside the bottle with rubber cement -- either way is pretty eerie while it lasts.

Ya think?Amazingly, the photo of a bottled-boy is credited to Dare Wright. (I have a huge crush on Dare Wright and her works-- so does Slippity-Do-Da.)

#2 All the, er, cool girls are doin' it...

That outgrown game, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, is roaring back in a new Southern version" "Pin-the-sideburn-on-Elvis." !.....

I wonder if it continued with fat-Elvis too? Girls in the south, who were learning to deep-fat-fry any and all foods, must have continued to love Fat Elvis, right?

#3 I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed to be from Wisconsin...

In Wisconsin they say the girl's "got him drafted" when the boy's hooked...

How cheesy.

#4 I'm beginning to suspect this groovy knowledge isn't for "the girl in school", but for her parents... Like some sort of "how to understand your teenager" and "learn the lingo" advice column.

"It's been a hunk of heaven, but I think I'll jump for earth," means the party, evening, or romance is over.

#5 Of course, every school girl wants to know how the ultra glam college girls are wearing their sweaters...


#6 For the cool girl in school, tips on making an autograph belt. Ingredients are as simple as the sideburn-pinning-girls are: a plain, wide leather belt and press-on gold-leaf.


Next they giveth, then taketh... A crafty idea and then an equally crafty insult.

#7 First a DIY tip for using clothesline rope, painted in bright enamel paint to make "un-run-of-the-mill" necklaces for "medallions". Take that crafty tip and choke on it.

#8 Don't like that insult? How about this insult then: "Your mother must have bought you with green stamps!" It is the latest insult. (It may seem weird for a ladies' magazine to give insult tips -- but what sort of person actually takes such advice?)

#9 This next one makes me feel better about being a cheesy Wisconsin girl; at least I'm not from Texas.

Every rooter pops a blown-up paper bag at the kick-off of special games at Amarillo High, Texas

#10 But still, Texas girls are less icky than these girls...

Right after the Chicopee High, Mass., teams wins a big game, girls beg boys for, of all things, the chin straps of their football helmets... straps are prized collectors' items, hung like trophies on bedroom walls.

Hey, don't say, "Of all things," because heaven knows a sweaty chin strap worn by a pimply lad is leagues better than other straps -- begged for or not.

#11 This next bit features "grab-bag evenings", heh heh. Oh wait -- it's not quite the snarky fun it sounds like... The 'grab-bags' aren't ugly girls after all.

"Grab-bag evenings" eliminate squables on group dates in St. Louis... instead of arguing about restaurants and movies, they put ads of all possible choices in two boxes, one for movies, one for restaurants -- everybody goes to the spots drawn by a blindfolded girl.

And that's how Muffy ended up blindfolded in the back of Dale's dad's Buick. Honest.

#12 Little black books weren't enough...

"Fix-up files" are made by Midwest girls to simplify arranging blind dates... they're wallet albums of their girl friends' pictures with statistics and interests listed on the back for the benefit of inquiring boys...

Those 1957 Midwest girls were slutty, pimping their friends; I feel even prouder now.

#13 More fashion advice you need to take -- like a slap in the face:



#14 Yup, a bonus.

An endearing twist in envelope inscriptions is being revived in the Midwest... on letters to girls, boys add a phrase above the address so that it reads like this:

Oh, how I

Miss Sandra Smith
64 Middlefield Rd.
etc., etc.,

Gawd, no wonder those boys needed help soliciting dates.

Then again, maybe that "Oh, how I" was code for something.

#15 Don't complain -- you need more tips on how to understand what your peers are saying to you:

"Face in the crowd" is new for someone who'll pass with a shove...

I need that translated, actually.

If you have "the rare disease," you haven't had a date for ages.

No comment. Hubby makes me keep this PG-13 and I think that line is rife with enough innuendo as it is.

Well, as the cook kids say, it's been a hunk of heaven but I think I'll jump for earth now.

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